Etha's Poetic Mumbling

Can’t Go Home Again

2011-11-21T23:34:00.000-08:00

I was excited,

when you invited me to your home
It was the very place we learned,

we would never be alone
But when I arrived you were barely recognizable,

something had changed within
You wasn’t the person that I remembered,

although you wore her skin

I looked harder, I found glimpses

of what I had left behind
But the deeper I went I realized

they were just memories in my mind
I stopped to get to know you,

and the person you had become
I couldn’t wait to share with you

the journey I had begun

But conversation stuck in a loop

going round and round again
It was then I realized

that my best friend was dead.

I denied it with ever fiber,

fought it with all my might
Believed I could breathe in life again,

if I could just get you to light
but the darkness of your home,

the cobwebs in your head
You gave up humanity,

and hold poison close instead

As you slowly start to decompose,

I wrestle with leaving you here
I credit you for my healing,

and it’s something I hold dear.
We were soldiers in a battle,

I had thought we had won the war
We were standing in the clear

but you wasn’t behind me anymore
That is why I came back to get you,

not accepting a casualty
I’ve come back to fight for you

and to heal you like you did me

As you try to persuade me,

to take up residence in your house
I realized if I stay too long,

I would never make it out
I know that you are really gone,

many tears I am going to cry
But it’s time for me to go now,

I must tell you goodbye

By Etha Walters
11/11/11

Back to Blank

2011-06-29T15:11:00.000-07:00

by: Etha Walters

To say goodbye to yesterday seems a little late
Its out the door and it can’t hear you cry
But echoes of the slamming door come rushing down the hall
and they fade into the walls as they pass by

Can’t rewind and start again or find the place to begin
what time is it when all you can stand is still
color fades to black and white and pails compared to empty nights
on easel canvas waits till brush is filled

Peeling pages back to blank
another ship that has sank
looking somewhere for the strength
to sail again

another battle not been won
another song that wont be sung
so I am peeling all the pages back to blank

Pen in hand I go to write once upon a time
but words get stuck somewhere between the lines
Picked up my paint brush all the colors fade away

I guess all I can do is sit and wait

Wounds have to heal so I can move
there is nothing left for me to lose
Because I took all of those pages back to blank

Twisted Unbroken

2010-09-02T22:52:00.000-07:00

Just because you think I am broken

It doesn't mean that I need fixed,

To mold into your conformity

So I can access your mediocre plain

Don't bring cookie cutters

to find the perfect shape

I am what I am

I know that's hard for you to take

I won't apologize

it’s what I live with every day

Twisted deformity

I am not ashamed

And I won't be your project

to feed your superficial needs

I have my own ideas my own needs and

Contrary to what you believe

The world will meet me halfway

When I show her what I have to offer

And reach out my hands to grab hers

Don't assume that because I'm challenged

I am crippled

Or because I'm twisted

I need molded

The reality is I'm not broken

I am resilient and strong

And I won’t sit in a corner or on the sidelines

For I know …

There is a place that is right for me

The right hand for me to hold

And there are many paths to my destination

And I will make my own choices in how I go

Stains

2010-07-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

Stains

Lying on the beach waiting for the tide to roll in

anticipating the chill over my feet

I think back to his sweet voice calling my name again

the last thing he said rings bitter sweet

He said I never meant to lead you astray

may will be together some other day

Then the waves came rolling over me

washing away all the pain

Someday somebody might want what’s left of me

after washing away all the stains

…all the stains

Grabbing up sand that slips though my finger tips

that falls back steadily to the ground

I can still taste the salt that kissed my lips today

so maybe next time I won’t be around

There is no more leading me astray

as long as I hold on to this beautiful day

When the waves came rolling over me

washing away all the pain

Someday somebody might want what’s left of me

after washing away all the stains

…all the stains

07-27-2010

The Lioness Within

2010-03-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

I've had fast food,
yeah, I've had the dollar menu,
and indulged in the occasional smorgasbord,
but what I really crave,
what really wakes me at night with longing
is that slow cooked meal
where everything is organic and real.
It is a taste that can't be satisfied
just anywhere
and it is a hunger
that won't settle for a cheap imitation.

So I starve,
I starve by choice
because I would rather go without
than feed my body something
that is not healthy or good for it.
Sure I have hunger pains
that shutter through my pit,
but it is nothing compared
to the muck that gives me heartburn.

So I am a lioness,
a lioness who paces and waits
Wanting to pounce and devour
My claws extend and retract
with nothing to sink into
Wild with roaring anticipation
alone with my salivation
and heavy breath
waiting for the right moment,
the right opportunity
to feast

Neon Lies

2010-03-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

I've kissed a thousand guitars
dancing with my ear against the amplifier
I have cried in my beer
more times than I can count

I've stood against walls
that leave residue on your fingertips
smoke filled rooms
and ashes fall to the ground

I've spent neon nights watching the door
for the one that will never come
but it is nothing compared
to pretenders in the dark

Reality breaks with the sun
viewing the lies their face
hid by the neon lights
so its off to find another one

When I had my fill
of heartbreak
scars of which I carved myself
cant plead ignorance
when deep inside I knew

So I just got up and walked out
without looking back
I traded the neon lights
for the truth of the sun

Haunted

2010-03-02T20:51:00.000-08:00

I catch a glimpse of him sometimes

In a crowded room

In the corner of my eye

As I walk down the hall

I am haunted

I hear his voice sometimes

Far beyond the crowded street

He is whispering my name

As he breathes

And I am haunted

I feel his touch sometimes

Deep within the night

Between the sheets

Across my thighs

I am haunted

He is not a memory

He is not a ghost

He is but a dream

A wish

Of what I hope will be

The Test

2010-03-01T12:43:00.000-08:00

She scowled at him from the other side of the table. “You are going to have to be one stubborn son of a bitch to survive loving me.” she said as if to test his willingness to get involved. He sat there looking into her eyes. He knew he couldn't look away or even blink. It was another one of her tests. Breaking the gaze she looked down. She softened as if she put down her weapons and a childlike expression crossed her face. “I will test your endurance to the breaking point and I will keep pushing till you are gone, or broken, or...' Her eyes met his again. 'I won't mean to, my defenses go into auto mode and before I know what hit me there is a whirlwind of debris and a horrible memory of what I have done....” Her voice trailed off and a tear rolled down her cheek.

Without thinking he stood up and pulled her up into his arms. Her body trembled against him as he tightened his grip, as if to envelope her and protect her from her own hell. She was probably right, loving her might kill him, or maybe he is already dead bouncing between heaven and hell. She melted into him gripping him with all the vulnerability of a frightened child. Are more of these tender moments going to be worth it? Probably not, But this is what he has and he has no choice but to take it. He loves her and with faith that if he holds on long enough the walls will come down and she will be his. “I'm as stubborn as they come.” he whispered.

Crash

2010-01-13T13:01:00.001-08:00

Rustling about trying to collect myself, I grabbed my keys and headed out the door for a job interview. It was December 17th, 2003, at 9:15am, and my appointment was in fifteen minutes.

Impatiently, I lowered the lift on my wheelchair accessible van and quickly raised myself up on it and wheeled into the van. Sliding into my seat, I shoved my keys into the ignition and started the van. I should have known at that moment that the engine was accelerating too high, but I ignored it and started down the street.

I turned onto state route 4 and picked up speed, and that is when I felt it. The accelerator opened up, the transmission gave a big kick, and the van started picking up speed. To my horror the hand controls were rock hard and my power breaks were not activating. Panicked, I looked around, I saw a series of traffic lights up ahead, and the road changing to one lane. A tanker truck just ahead of me evoked visions of hitting the tanker and pyrotecnic explosions following, so I moved into the right hand lane to look for an opportunity to turn off.

Pushing down on the brake as hard as I could with one hand, I turned off the main road with the other hand. Unable to slow the van down to the proper speed, the turn threw me to the left. The van balanced on two wheels, and fell back down on all fours. This bounced me around, and took pressure off the break, and caused the van to pick up speed. I gained my senses back and cried out to God in the realization that I was in a parking lot full of cars and people walking back and forth. In a split second decision I threw my wheel to the right, electing to take a brick wall instead of plowing through people and cars. I gave one last jerk of the wheel to the left trying to focus the blow to the passenger side, but my efforts were to late. I closed my eyes and prayed, “Father, please don’t make me leave my little girl.” Slam! I hit the wall head on.

Raising my head off of the steering wheel, looking into the cracked windshield, I noticed my breath was short and stabbing pain hit my ribs as I tried to sit up. Looking down the spinner knob that protruded out from the steering wheel, I knew it was the obvious culprit to my pain. I moved the steering wheel until the knob was clear of my ribs. I started looking around for my cell phone. The burning pain of my ribs forced me back to the steering wheel again. Just then my van door opened. Weakly I arose to greet my rescuer and a mans voice gasped “Oh dear God!” Taking off his sweatshirt he put it under my head and told me to be still. “My husband please call my husband,” I replied, giving him his name and number. The man gave my information to a woman standing next to him and she rushed off to call. “The ambulance is on the way…Oh man!” a second man exclaimed as he looked in at me. I lay there grunting and gasping for air, still feeling around for my cell phone. I wanted my husband; he needed to know I did not make it to my interview. My head was numb and buzzing, and everything looked like I was in a tunnel. “Just be still,” the first man told me. They asked me if I believed in God, and my reply was, “My faith is unshakable.” Then the men laid their hands on me and asked if they could pray for me. When I nodded my reply, they began to pray. Then the ambulance arrived, and I was pulled from the car and placed on a gurney and rushed into the ambulance. Drilled with questions, I noticed their shock that I was aware of my surroundings and totally responsive.Again I asked for my husband and asked if they would call my interview. “That is the last thing you need to worry about!” the paramedic next to me scolded. Then he turned to the driver and said, “Tell her husband we had to take her to Middletown Hospital because they are the closest place with a head trauma unit.” Head trauma! I thought, did I not make it clear how much my ribs hurt? My head burns a little but I very well could have broken ribs! My knees hurt too, I thought. The throbbing of my knees had become a little prominent but oh my ribs!

Consumed by a flock of doctors and nurses the reality of my injuries still had not hit me yet. I just could not understand why everyone was fussing over my head. “My ribs hurt. I think they are broken.” I said in breathy voice. Why were they so oblivious to the obvious and so fixated on something that does not even hurt? Frustration filled my voice when I asked again for my husband. One nurse patted my arm where a new array of tubes spilled over my arm, dripping toward the floor like a spider plant. The conclusion that pain relief would soon follow relaxed me back to my pillow. I shivered under heated blankets, after my favorite suit was sheared away, with a few swipes of their scissors. Everyone still seemed taken aback by my coherence and my willingness to complain over my favorite bra, now garbage.

The arrival of my husband gave me a sense of permission for myself to surrender to the pain I was feeling and my body’s impulse to fall in and out of consciousness. After all the x-rays, blood drawing and situating of my body I just wanted to sleep it off. The mention of surgery squared my attention once more but only briefly, because with the sweet ride to dreamland first class on the Demerol train, I had little care what happened next.

Hours later in my room after all the traffic left me for a while, I reflected on the day and the assessment on all the damages of the aftermath. My husband lay collapsed from exhaustion in the recliner next to my bed, hand resting on my arm as if to police any movement I might make. Closing my eyes, I ran down the list of damages, broken window to the business I hit and my van was totaled. Here I am, to my shock there were no broken ribs, but I had a broken nose, bruised liver, a bruised duodena that I did not know that I had, My right knee opened to the knee cap, and a laceration across my head from temple to temple and down that had exposed my skull. I had no clue! Scrunching down in the van, my head went into the steering wheel. A perfect cut to the shape of the wheel was on my head. Shuddering at the thought of the spinner knob resting at the top on impact, I lost myself to tears, thanking God that I was still here.

Christmas Eve I found myself promising to stick to a month long liquid diet that was treatment for my bruised liver and duodena, in order to be able to spend Christmas at home with my kids. After a week in the hospital my face looked like “Beetlejuice” on steroids, with my black eyes and partially shaved head. I was content sitting out of family pictures, but thankful I was there to have the holiday with my children. An experience like this really inspires you to look back at your life and take notes on all you have accomplished, and the significance you have had on this planet. I do not know why my liver damage was minimal; I do not know why my skull was not opened up along with my head. I do know that I am grateful to be here and I will live loving every day and the people around me.

Desire

2009-12-28T08:40:00.000-08:00

Desire
Oh how I long for a lover in words
Trading passion
Twisting vowels and consonants
Like a roller coaster in slow motion
Sparked flames darting about
Bringing light to dark forgotten corners of my bed
Blanketed in pages
Saturated in inks and colors that illuminate the soul
Oh to feel my heart pound again with anticipation
Of what might spill from lips to penetrate my womanhood
With mere innuendoes and a spark of intensions in the eyes
Talk to me…
Let me hear the vibrations of your vocal chord
Humming through your chest escaping your mouth
In slow carefully pronounced words
Savored like candy
My mouth waters
Which pales in comparison
To the raging waters that is my ocean
In which alone I swim

Portrait of a Photographer

2009-12-27T02:37:00.000-08:00

Soft blue hues saturate the darkness
ushering in the early morning
I wake cuddled with my pillow
still damp with the longings of the night
The stillness of the house is haunting

I am wishing to be bathed in the warm colors of the sun
Looking out the window, gray clouds offer little comfort
Plunging deeper in the covers I reach for a memory of lovers
hoping to warm my bones
but my memories have left me cold

The dreams I long for cannot exist in the past
The future is the lover I can invite into my bed
If I accept it and nurture it and love it as with any lover
It will offer dreams of change, the promise of sunshine
and will be with me as long as I live

I could stand before you naked and not feel as vulnerable
But I want you to know who I am beyond a crippled body
dark crazy complications
optimistic romantic view

My future, my lover reaches into the depths of me
Pulling out the lessons learned
the empathy of experience
and the passion I so desperately try to contain
My fears can hide in the shadows
My confidence are my highlights

Prisms of light, filters and shadows
our lives are the canvas and we are the paint
Or...in my case... the camera

Remembrance

2009-10-11T12:09:00.000-07:00

Remembrance

You wandered in through my dreams last night
Lost but forgiving of pain
I never meant to cause
I approached you with caution

Fearing you would fade if I touched you
You quieted that fear
grabbing me
pulling me into your arms

I didn’t want to let go
I took that moment
Breathing in your scent
Feeling your warmth next to mine
My heart could beat again

You spoke of the heartbreak you ran to when you ran from me
You spoke of the escape
From the prison you found yourself in
Running from one situation
into the next and back again
You said you were tired and home to stay

Then, the unthinkable happened

The vision of you faded
My eyes opened and I curled in my bed
Reaching for remembrance of a moment that was gone.

Etha Walters
October 11, 2009

New Drawing - Don't Leave

2009-06-13T14:37:00.001-07:00

New Drawing - Woman

2009-06-13T14:33:00.000-07:00

New Drawing - Jada's Dreams

2009-05-31T18:08:00.000-07:00

Charcoal on pink 80p paper

Midnight Stroll

2009-05-29T16:02:00.000-07:00

Don’t come to me
seeking lost expectations
there is none here to find…
Except my own
It is like the round peg and the square hole
The adage is turned upside down
looking at the picture in different, creative ways
but things still aren’t going to fit

Illuminating light from the moon
brings light to shadows of deception
and reveals the monsters entangled within
Imagine my surprise to find you among them

A thousand lies flood the past
drifting separation is by miles
I choose to continue in light
as you fall back into the shadows
it seems you made your choice
and our midnight stroll is over
my lonely heart crying without tears
because they evaporated to the moon

©Etha Walters

May 24, 2009

The Draft of a Revolving Door

2009-02-09T22:21:00.000-08:00

When you moved in you installed a revolving door
Ignoring the no exit sign
Coming in I felt the warmth of summer in my bed
Only to wake with the draft of another lonely winter
The summer seemed so bittersweet, looking forward to the season
But giving way to the gust of a bitter chill, that shakes my frame.
Leaving me on my knees to watch the door spin
Inhaling the memory of sweet musk
And the pit of my stomach reaches my throat
Tired of the lover of a season
Dreaming of the one who will light a winter fire
And give me heat year round,
I replace the revolving door with one that opens from the outside
And a bigger sign that says… No Exit.

New Drawing - Sorrow

2009-01-21T15:33:00.000-08:00

I am so happy with the way that this turned out, I almost gave up on it a couple of times but I am really happy with the outcome. I have so much to learn when it comes to drawing but as long as I can see improvement each time I do it I get a little closer to braving painting...LOL I am a bit fanatical about fantasy and that obviously my inspiration for a lot of what I do.

The Tide

2009-01-10T13:18:00.000-08:00

Drift me onto oblivion,
abandon rationale
Rock me into dreams of Forbidden passions
Sing me a lullaby
for you have a gentle voice
Sailing deep into the moment
Drifting on the tide

Sheet like waves wrapping around our legs
Breath is hot and deep
Moist sweet kisses mindlessly dancing where they please
And I sing with anticipation’s sighs
Build upon the crashing waves
till they silently subside
We rest on the shores we’ve created for only us
in drifting echoes as dreams beckon sleep
Until the tide comes in again

Words

2009-01-10T13:15:00.000-08:00

One can be touched by words...Truly! The right words can touch so deeply that it transcends space and time and fuses with your soul and becomes a part of you. In fact in my philosophical state of mind I will go so far as to say that words shape the view of the world, of life and of love… So why am I so out of words when it comes to you? My heart fills up, I engage with your eyes, I open my mouth… and nothing....

Deceit

2009-01-10T13:12:00.000-08:00

Deceit is like a poisonous vine, that once planted and cultivated and nurtured, it grows so quickly it will choke out everyone you love, till you are left, isolated and alone
With a destruction that can ripple through your life, for years and quite possibly generations after you are gone.

Seduction

2009-01-10T13:10:00.000-08:00

We sat in the restaurant. I could do nothing but toy with my french fries unconsciously swirling one in circles in my ketchup. I looked up and was caught captive by his blue eyes peering through his sandy bangs. He smiled knowingly at me slowing his moves as he put down his fork and pulled a piece off his barbecued chicken with his fingers and brought it to up to his mouth. He licked the barbecue on his fingers before opening his mouth and tearing off a bite with his teeth and savoring it and slowly licked his lips. My gaze never left his as he smiled. His message was clear. I was his next meal.

The Freight Train

2008-12-20T14:01:00.000-08:00

He came at me like a freight train magnificent and powerful, steady and unwavering. His voice was like the whistle blowing and his light shined into its path to me. Charging… getting louder and louder and closer and closer. My heart began to pound a rhythm of warning. My body shook with anticipation and fear, but my hesitation didn’t effect the speed of this magnificent train, he knew his destination and he was not going to stop till I was under him and a part of him, so I did what any human would do when met with such force… I jumped out of the way.

Hope

2008-12-09T16:09:00.000-08:00

I coast through this life
like I am swimming against the current.
Trying to fuel determination
while the support system gets flooded and stalls

Im too stubborn to give up
Too passionate to go numb
and believe me I tried

Reality would have us believe
that we all guard our hearts
as if bandits were holding us at gunpoint
and we stand in the mirror
trying to convince ourselves
that it doesn’t matter.

We are too busy for human contact
and everyone wants to play games anyway
We are really better off
stuck in our cycle of going to work,
going to school,
loving whoever is around
and hitting the fast food joints on the way home.

I say reality is a liar.
While reality is true for some
and appears to be so for many others
there are still those souls
that walk a little slower,
open the doors for strangers
and will take the time
to wait in line for a table
to have a dinner to be enjoyed over conversations.

Nights to be savored and devoured
and left with a starving hunger for more.
Love that leaves you breathless
and feeling intoxicated at the mere mention of a name.

Introduction

2008-11-30T21:26:00.000-08:00

Dreams and wishes escape my thoughts and spill out on paper or in this case computer screen. They have set in my hard drive collecting dust and they call for me like lost children who just want to find their way home. So I feel that it is time for me to share them. As winter sets in and my mobility gets more challenged I thought that this project would be a great start at sharing some of my poetry, prose, and randome thoughts and I may throw a little art and photography in to the mix just to add a little flavor. So it starts :)

This is picture that I drew last winter and I thought it may be a good tribute to the beginning of winter and this new blog.